July 29, 2005
Hip-Hop BarBQ: Beef, Beef, Beef
In this week's Sohh Pulse Report it's all about the beef. Take Rosie O'Donnell, whose adopted kids were so shook by neighbor P Diddy's fireworks that she felt compelled to make comparisons between his summer BBQ and "A war zone. Downtown Baghdad, a subway in London, a hotel in Egypt". How dare she, especially so soon after launching her own terror attack on these very shores. In other hip-hop news, Mos Def, headlining the Lameness '05 Tour, takes on Suge Knight for killing Tupac. Suge was so scared he decided not to attend. Hey Suge, best watch yo' step or Mos will get all actory and "conscious" on your ass, fool. Finally there's some real beef, as Nas (finally) retaliates against 50 Cent's Massacre disses with the new track, "MC Burial/Don't Body Ya Self", featuring the line, "They say Jada defeated him/Joe's too street for him/now what's next is for Nas to ether him." Sizzlin'!
Sizzlin' don't even capture the half of it. This beef is char-broiled. Head on over to Scenestars and listen to the track for yourself.
Reminder: For two all-beef patties of Hip-Hop, please come check out Chronikill tonight at Satilite Bar on 6th and A. It's free with $2 beers and drink specials (10:30pm set & 1:00am set).
Oral Sex Contest
Listen, I like to to freak out on fridays as much as the next guy or incredibly hot woman (NSFW-ish), but today I'm in the mood for something more relaxing, like a spa treatment or some head. 'Stamper Aaron C. writes in to say: "I'll throw in a blowj for some Django R. No seriously. I really want the Django." So here's the deal: I post the Django, you get the bj. First reader to post a comment with the words "Taiwianese Hooker" gets a free trip to visit Aaron and collect the special prize (airfare not included). Good luck!
Contest Update: And we have a winner!!!
By the way Django fans, and I know you're out there, these tracks are featured on Verve's excellent and super-highly recommend single disc retrospective. Buy it here.
The Friday Freakout Might Hurt You
Shy Child are kinda like The Unicorns on ritalin. They mix up a clumsy-yet-killer groove out of their lone two ingredients, drums and key-tar (yup, that icon of 80s musical decadence, the keyboard you wear like a guitar), and then pile on some frantic sing-shouting lyrics about rockin' out to this hip-shaker they've just spawned. But then, instead of schizophrenically changing to something completely different just when you were really starting to get into it, they hunker down and milk that puppy for all it's worth. And there's gallons o' milk. I suppose I could make some joke connecting the song title to the contest mentioned above, but really, haven't the rest of today's posts been dirty enough? Let's just make fun of Aaron in the comments and call it a week.
Download: Shy Child - "Break Your Neck"
Weekly Movie Round-Up: From Ass Crack To Balzac
The Aristocrats: Ugly people tell the same joke about shitting on each other. The funniest thing about this unrated filth of a movie is the thought of some family accidentally picking it up at blockbuster instead of The Aristocats.
Stealth: I've been brainstorming all week for a funny post about this gem. All I've come up with is: Jessica Biel, tittytittytitty boom-boom titty. Also, on TRL, Jamie Fox didn't know what "effeminate" meant and had to ask the 12 year olds in the audience. For shame, blind man, for shame.
Sky High: "When you're the son of the world's most legendary superheroes The Commander (KURT RUSSELL) and Jetstream (KELLY PRESTON), there is only one school for you - SKY HIGH." The Commander and Jetstream?!? Those are the most legendary superheroes in the world? Even Captain Ron and Miss Scientology are better names.
Must Love Dogs: ...and really shitty movies.
Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress: Are you kidding? Look, I'm an avid moviegoer, but there is no way I will ever see a movie called "Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress," even if it does involve famous French writers banging petite Chinese slaves (and it don't). This positive review ain't helping: "Gracefully captures the purity of innocence in the midst of no-matter-what". Yeah, thanks anyway homeslices, I'll go see Nine Songs for the third time instead.
Not Those Sort Of Crabs: Free Party Sat. @ Khyber
Did you celebrate a birthday between June 22nd and July 22nd? Half-birthday? Unbirthday? Whatever your deal is, Club 1214's got a party with your name on it (and a flyer with the party's name on it). This Saturday night, head over to the upstairs half of The Khyber between 9PM and 2AM for an absolutely luxurious assortment of slow jams and dance-floor scorchers from six different DJs, everything from hip-hop to French pop, along with 1$ PBR / 2$ Sparks / 3$ Shots. No cover. That's right. Philadelphia: making good times affordable since seventeen-seventy-sizzle, my dizzle.
Live Guero Event: Chronikill Show (plus me DJing)
When you google "funniest image ever", this pops up. I'm like, "Ain't nothing funny about a Chronikill show". Chronikill consist of two blessedly talented (white) rappers who keep it quite real. Friday's show is at Satellite Bar (6th and Ave A.). It's free, with $2 beers and $5 specials. They're playing a 10:30 set and a "drunk and rowdy" 1 AM set. If that's not enough, I'm DJing in between. And by DJing, I mean playing songs off my broken Ipod. So please come support up-and-coming New York talent, get drunk, and dance to my crazygonuts mix. Here's the title track of Chronikill's self-produced album. It's a banger.
Gotta respek' the 'kill. Their album has been rockin' the Philabuster home office for months now. The R.E.M. sample on this track is an inspired touch, though my favorite cut is the no-work, all-play "Booze 'n' Dro". Michelob never got this much love from the east coast before.
Cross-Eyed & Shameless
David Cross, contrary to previous reports, will not be opening up his own performance space in Manhattan. The comedian claims he and his partners were outbid for the property by some white collar types. Dejected and disillusioned, Cross has grown a mustache and set about opening American Apparel stores in Philly. Personally, I think he should've consulted this fellow first. Or perhaps alterna-pop band Super Furry Animals, though they probably would've just spoken in Welsh and made the situation even uglier. Fortunately, they make music, not facial hair, for a living. This great track off 2003's Phantom Power is equal parts Norman Greenbaum and TV On The Radio. Like an unwashed foo manchu, it's slick.
Download: Super Furry Animals - "Golden Retriever"
Back in college we used to call this guy Golden Retriver. He totally loved that song!
You can talk the talk. You can even walk the walk. But until somebody else stands up and gets your back, it's a cold, lonely existence out here in the digital wilderness. So we'd like to thank Philebrity, the hippest of all the Philly-centric blogamajiggies, for our first ever link/shout-out/endorsement. Cute is the new hot, and we're ever so flattered. As a token of our appreciation, we're sendin' out this prime cut of funk euphoria, long distance dedication style.
Worst Album Covers Strikes Back, Again - You've probably seen the original version of this, but here are some more of the worst album covers ever. Very funny stuff.
Macho, Macho Men - I think they're listening to that Sufjan song on my playlist... (via catchdubs.com)
The Real Live 8? - Nelly, Arcade Fire, David Bowie, Destiony's Child, Billy Idol, Tim Mcgraw, and more to a share stage in the name of magazine publishing.
Ground Hogs Are Stupid Jerks - I'm obsessed with the comic stylings of Andy Milonakis. However, it seems that he is not 12, but rather 29 years old! This could be a White Stripes-like ruse, except that MTV has been hiding this info and it seems to be common knowledge pre-mtv show.
Earring In Her Tongue And She Know What To Do With It
Girls always worry about their shoes. I'm like, "I ain't looking at your feet, ho." What they really should focus on is their jewelry, because nothing says "sexy" like some arty earrings. Regular reader Rebecca L. always wears great jewelry, cause she reps her sister's famous designs. She also always reps southern hip-hop, including the legendary UGK. This track is from DJ Ben Ha Meen's excellent Houston Heavy Weights mix (hence the cut out at the end). I'll be posting a great Devin song from the same cd later in the week, but until then keep the cars riding low and the earrings swinging high.
Also, I Have A Little Shpilkis In My Ganektigazoink
Several years ago, I had the misfortune of contracting the flu and strep throat at the same time. Wrapped up in morbid fascination with my own propensity for illness, I dubbed the condition "flep". Little did I know, the US government was way ahead of me. You'd think the flu and hives would be an equally unpleasant combination. In fact, the results are neither nauseating nor particularly bureaucratic. The upstart Swedish alt-country band co-opts the swagger of their countrymen's original song perfectly, inoculating us against the epidemic of garage rock over-exposure with a booster shot of humor.
A Fiery Debate
My playlist this week features The Fiery Furnaces' "Evergreen". Reader Aaron C. writes in to say that BadmintonStamps is "better than a cheee steak...[but] I'm still not quite with you guys on the Furnaces." Reader Jane R. writes in to say "I love that song Evergreen." Blood will spill. You can decide for yourself. The Furnaces are art-school on record, blazing rock and roll realness live (Eleanor Friedberger dates Franz Ferdinander Alex Kapaanonopousnon!). On "Gale Blow", Eleanor laments that her umbrella is unable to withstand a particularly strong gust of wind. Love 'em or hate 'em, 'Stampers, love 'em or hate 'em...
New SkinnySlim Playlist
Longer and sweeter than last week's, my new playlist is called "Eclectic & Safe For Work". It includes a Pavement B-side, early-70's Brazilian chill-out, an early Talib single, and a track by new buzz band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, among others. Hell yes, please enjoy.
Weekly Movie Round-Up: Sex, Drugs, and Billy Bob
Last Days: Gus Van Sant's Kurt Cobain death flick. Reviews ranging from tedious and horrible to "one of this year's indisputably great films" and "Van Sant's masterpeice". I've seen it and I'll say it's flawed but facinating.
Nine Songs: Michael Winterbottom film features actual sex between hot people. Only 65 minutes long. Reviews say that it's "a violation", "just hardcore porn", and "the story of two boring people who go to a lot of rock concerts and...have a lot of sex". Sounds fucking amazing, I'm buying tickets for Sunday.
Hustle and Flow: Memphis is so '04. Bring on the Larry Clark screw movie.
The Island: Supposedly, no island! I'm going to rent that Leo movie instead.
Bad News Bears: For shame, Mr. Jolie, for shame.
Bad Santa, Bad News Bears...it seems he has a real affinity for making bad movies. By which I mean both "movies with Bad in the title" and "movies of low quality" It's a niche, I suppose. Well, here's looking forward to "Bad Like A River".
The Friday Freakout: Pleased To Meet You
Here's your first taste of The Friday Freakout, a no-nonsense musical shot-in-the-arm meant to get you ready for what will surely be the very best weekend ever since the last one. Apply as necessary. Use it as exit music when you're rolling out to the club tonight with your posse. Blast it from your cubicle at 4:59, just to let "The Man" know what's up. The only requirement is excessive volume. Why? 'Cause it's Friday, bitches.
The first installment is a Philabuster fave. Anything more I could say here would just subtract from its rockness. And I ain't about to do that.
Download: The Sun - "My Girlfriend's Best Friend"
This song rocks in a Weezer meets Nirvana kind of way. It also speaks to me since I have a girlfriend and her friends are always grabbing my ass and lifting up their panty lines, especially after James and I drug them.
Breaking News: Mike Jones Sleeps With Grilles
Dedicated reader B. Brogs writes in to say: "just saw a video of mike jones where he sleeps in his fronts and brushes them. real insight into the world of iced grilles." Thanks, Lil 'B, that is insightful! Check out the aforementioned video for "Back Then" and see what our boy's talkin' about.
Closeted Pissers, Overreaching Thugs, Trailer Park Professors
Last week's Billboard charts are in, and the number one album for the second straight week is R. Kelly's TP.3 Reloaded. While I love "Trapped in the Closet" as much as the next guy, I'm personally holding out for his next release, TP.4 Revolutions. Rising southern rapper Slim Thug debuts at number two with 130,000 sales of his (temporarily) misnamed album Already Platinum. Listen to a few songs here. Personally, my favorite album on the chart is the #18 entry, Toby Keith's Honkytonk University. Simply by purchasing this masterpiece, you automatically receive a MBA in White Trashology from H of U. Can someone say "resume builder"?!
An "anonymous, sexy reader" writes in to say: "it's time to let the world know the truth: Badmintonstamps.com is to the East Coast what Snoop is to the West Coast, what 'Face is to Houston."
Beck Is Cool
Hey, Who's That Gringo Mariachi?
This Time, Keep It Mellow
I received the following two complaints: my playlist is "too loud" for work and guitar music is somehow equivalent to the greatest tragedies in world history. Well, I can't make all the people happy all the time, but I added some tracks to the front of my playlist that should satisfy some.
Slightly More Important Than Heated Seats
I don't get NASCAR. Watching "talented" drivers make two thousand left turns in succession seems more like a trial of patience than skill to me. The one response that I sometimes hear in Nascar's favor is the excitement of watching large collisions and crashes at high speeds while spending an afternoon out in the sun and perhaps knocking back a beer or two. Fun? Well, I won't knock it 'till I've tried it. But funny??? Apparently somebody thinks so. Norwegians, meanwhile, seem content to poke fun at these egressless American death pods via funky instrumental electro-jazz.
The Most Trusted Name In Hip-Hop
Last night, the Scissor Sisters played the second of three "secret" shows at the Mercury Lounge. If you don't know who they are, you're probably heterosexual. Last week CNN anchor and all around cool dude Anderson Cooper was in attendence, only fueling longstanding rumors about his sexual orientation. One thing is for sure, rappers Capone and Noreaga, aka CNN, are definately gay. I mean, they sample Journey in their latest song! Plus it's about being a "City Boy", and we all know what that means. Either way, it's hot, just like gay sex.
I Bet They Were Fat Women
More Ja Rule News!!! A Jeffrey Atkins concert erupted in violence when there were sound problems. Sound problems? No shit. Ja Rule was rapping, that's always a sound problem. Anyway, "women" rushed the stage, causing more chaos. With all this violence, Jeffrey, what will the Jehovah's think?
Can You Hug A Low Pressure Zone?
When he was but a young lad, Eddie Argos had his tender heart ripped to pieces by a capricous puppy love named Emily Kane. Years later, home owners and mobile home drivers across Southeast Texas are going through an even less amicable break-up with 'Cane Emily, but the tender sentimentality of Eddie's ballad to lost love just doesn't fit in with the rest of their "impending natural disaster" playlist. Why Lout? solves everything, re-casting Argos' plaintive lyrics as an anxious, almost paranoid flow. He even adds some thunderstorm sound effects!
I Chew, Chew, Chews You
When you type "garden of edan" (NOT eden, bro) into google images, one of the pics that pops up is this vacation photo of buff topless Asian men jumping up and down in the ocean (sfw-ish). Brian Chew, I like your style! Anyway here's an excellent song by "alt"-rapper Edan, that I've been feeling recently. Check it.
I'm From New York! And I'm Short!
Ja Rule to become prison bitch. This should remind all of us not to associate with people nicknamed "Willie Bang Bang"...
Feds Eye Ja Rule in NYC Club Shooting
NYC Friends - Free Beer (And Music) This Saturday
Free Juan McLean! No, he's not in jail, silly monkeys. He's having a free show. Who, you ask? Only the hippest electro-funky-techy-house music giant in NYC. More importantly, there's free beer! I've been to these things and they're fun. Show up early (9:30), drink free beer, get drunk, stay for hipster music. Here's the details:
Saturday, July 23rd
@ Studios at Tribeca Grand
2 Ave. of the Americas, NYC
FREE w/ rsvp to: firstname.lastname@example.org
*FREE PBR from 10-11!!!
*Drink specials all night!!!
In High School, I Won The "Special Prize"...
You could think of England's Mercury Prize as the musical equivalent of the palm d'or, but that would probably mean you were a herb. The Brits hand out this big silver thing, plus 50k, to the most artistically awesome British album. The 2005 nominees include Bloc Party, Maximo Park, Anthony & The Johnsons, and M.I.A. (who claims to be Sri Lankan - how is she up for this shit?) The smart money - and yes the Brits do bet on this crap - is on the Kaiser Chiefs or Coldplay, but I'm rooting for the funkilicious stylings of The Go! Team. I'm such a fan I even bought a t-shirt. You can check out the song "Ladyflash" on my current radio playlist.
Actually, the smart money is NOT on Coldplay, since the selection comittee traditionally tends to award the prize to debut albums. And since the idea of betting on music, particualrly British music, titilates me, here's a hot tip. This year's dark horse? Hard-Fi. Expect this Staines massive (ok, quartet), to make a Zutons-like run at the prize over the final few weeks before the big announcement on Septeber 6th. They churn out seriously danceable post-punk grooves, but use them as a canvas for gritty and often dark vignettes of Blaire-wrought suburban despair. The Clash meets The Streets, if you will. Check out the punchy "Gotta Reason" below, then stream the whole album over at NME.
Where Can I Get Me Some Government Issued Testicles?
Former Yankee and Met Al Leiter is a Yankee again. He pitched superbly this past Sunday against the World Champion Boston Red Sox. He's also a Republican, just like James Brown. Well, Brown never voted in his life, but did endorse Nixon in 1972, and actually performed at his first inaugural in 1969. In return for his endorsement, the government gave Brown powerful testicles! Here's an amazing live performance from the Godfather, featured on one of my favorite albums of all time, Foundations of Funk.
I Swear, If You Say "Chocolate" One More Time...
Hot Chip knows what they want. While other bands play hard to get, Hot Chip saunter up only slightly drunk and look you square in the eye before delivering their semi-sweet mantra of seduction. The slinky, come-hither guitar work and spaced-out Beta Band undercarriage are perfect counterpoint. This is one of the most fun songs I've ever heard, and if you're not singing along by the end, it could only be because you don't like chocolate.
Kool Man Seeking Paradise On Earth
I've been obsessed with Sonic Youth since my early teens. One of my favorite moments ever was when I snuck backstage at Roseland and hung out with them after they had just smoked a doobie. This song, off their 1991 album Goo, is supposedly about LL Cool J, but SY couldn't get him to do a guest spot, so they "settled" for Chuck D. He's much kooler than LL anyway, but this dude is the coolest of them all, no joke.
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